15 Faltoo Fundas for Hindi Film Buffs

Ever felt sorry for having arrived late at a theater and missed the first 10 or 15 minutes of a Hindi film? Fear not, for probably you haven't missed anything at all, except for the song-and-dance routine that accompanies the introductory credit line. Over the years, Bollywood's dream factory has been churning such "excellent" quality of Hindi films, that we have been hooked to them since the time of our great-great grandfathers. Such "variety" in story lines, script, dialogs, scenes and dances have won global appreciation. And for those fascinated by tinsel town's histrionic ability and for those seeking to know more about Hindi films, here's a quick guide to the rules that go into the making of such time-tested formula-based Hindi movies for the masses:1. Scene I: The coughing father or the widowed mother sleeping on a charpoy in the corner of a dilapidated house of the hero or heroine, should necessarily kick the bucket by the end of scene 2.2. Widowed moms always wear white, sing in praise of the lord and are always born blind or partially blind.3. Scene 2: Grown up sisters of the hero always get raped by the end of scene 2, leading to their suicide (preferably by hanging from Sarees), wherein the hero gets a solid reason to beat the crap out of the villain and his henchmen.4. Hero always uses expletives like Kutta, Kamina, Harram... to describe his arch enemy.5. Hero gets beaten on the head, loses memory, but always regains it after being struck at the same spot twice!! (medical miracles never cease to happen in Hindi movies) 6. Scene 3: Meets heroine, romances around trees, sings duets preferably in the Swiss countryside or the Alps. 7. Scene 4: Hero finds baddy to be either the heroine's brother or daddy. Baddy daddy too finds his daughter's romantic interludes irritating, sends henchmen to finish off the hero.8. Henchmen cant shoot straight, can't knife a person in the heart and have never learnt the art of fighting. 9. Scene 5: Baddy daddy or brother finds other ways to harass hero, kidnaps brother's or sister's or probably neighbour's child, who is not surprisingly called Rahul/Rohan/Pinky/Rinky (or Winky).10. Scene 6: Frantic search begins; hero and heroine stop duets. Cops are called but they never figure out anything anyway. The man-servant, who is not surprisingly called Ramdin or Ramu Kakka, too is initially suspected. But he's such a sweetheart, he cries every time he sees Rahul/Rohan/Rinky/Pinky/Winky's black-and-white photo.11. Scene 7: Villain makes extortion call, demands either money or that hero come alone (for a judo match) for final settlement. Hero never calls police, goes alone.12. Scene 8: Kills half-a-dozen goons single-handedly and sustains severe injuries like a minuscule cut on the forehead that oozes with tomato ketchup.13: Scene 9: Saves dangling heroine, who incidentally gets kidnapped in between a few scenes. Rahul/Rohan/Pinky/Rinky or whatever is freed after hero kicks the hell out of the villain. 14. Scene 10: Police finally arrive in large numbers, take the villain and his cronies to jail. Option A: Baddy Daddy changes his mind and accepts daughter's matrimonial choice after a five-minute lecture. Option B: Daddy too Baddy, hence, attempts to snatch pistol and shoot, but fails, as hero snatches weapon from nowhere and empties half-a-dozen rounds into the villain.The couple walk into the sunset. 15. Addendum: If the movie is an emotional-unrequitted love-tragedy tale and without a villain in sight, hero dies due to natural causes, namely blood cancer or brain tumor that often leads to frequent aches in the head or heart or stomach, resulting in the spewing of equally painful 10-minute monologue before his death in the last scene.IMPORTANT NOTE: Doctors are never present until patient dies and come in only to say: "Sorry" and shake their heads sympathetically.Three cheers to Bollywood!!!